{"id":246,"date":"2010-10-19T09:00:47","date_gmt":"2010-10-19T08:00:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.badreputation.org.uk\/?p=246"},"modified":"2010-10-19T09:00:47","modified_gmt":"2010-10-19T08:00:47","slug":"12-things-i-wish-id-known-about-love-a-decade-ago-redux","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/badreputation.org.uk\/2010\/10\/19\/12-things-i-wish-id-known-about-love-a-decade-ago-redux\/","title":{"rendered":"12 Things I Wish I\u2019d Known About Love A Decade Ago: Redux"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ripping the piss out of women\u2019s magazines and their litany of \u201cget thin! buy shoes! value yourself for you<\/em>!\u201d instruction is a fond feminist past-time. But in the spirit of investigative journalism \/ having nothing better to do I decided to find out if it was possible to extract any useful advice from them.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s buried beneath a ton of heteronormative guff of course, and qualified with asides that stab at your gendersense, but I believe it is possible to extract nuggets of common sense from the pages of glossy fashion shoots and \u2018What is your spirit handbag?\u2019 quizzes.<\/p>\n

So, here is my attempt to rework \u201c12 Things I Wish I\u2019d Known About Love A Decade Ago\u201d, which featured in a recent issue of a popular women\u2019s mag.<\/p>\n

\"Cut-out<\/a>

They're hearts.<\/p><\/div>\n

1) Never underestimate the importance of being \u2018interesting\u2019.<\/p>\n

You owe it to yourself (and the men you date) to have a life of your own. So find some hobbies. In my mid-twenties, I made a guy my hobby. When he dumped me, partly because he felt smothered, I had to get a life\u2026 Now, when I\u2019m on a date and I read the menu in an Italian accent, or I smile when I talk about my ballet class, guys really eat it up.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

Never underestimate the importance of being interesting.<\/p>\n

Sigh. Where do I even start with this one? Don\u2019t be interesting for \u2018the men you date\u2019, be interesting for the sake of the rest of humanity. It\u2019ll be better for you too, I promise – it irritates me when I think of all the hours I spent a decade ago trying to look beautiful when I could have been doing things I actually enjoyed instead. Being interesting lasts longer than beauty and it will win you friends as well as lovers.<\/p>\n

2) There\u2019s a fine line between teasing a man and criticising him.<\/p>\n

I used to fall into this bad habit of extreme flirting by teasing. One time, I told an older guy who\u2019d had a skiing accident that he was \u2018damaged goods\u2019, and I\u2019d need to trade him in for a \u2018younger model\u2019. He looked at me like I\u2019d just kicked his puppy\u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a fine line between teasing someone and criticising them.<\/p>\n

I can see the sense of this one, I\u2019ve fallen into a similar habit myself. The right kind of teasing is plenty fun of course, but if you\u2019re in any kind of relationship with someone then the very least you can do is be careful with their feelings.<\/p>\n

3) You will probably never fully understand men. So just try to understand yourself.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

You will probably never fully understand people. But try to understand yourself.<\/p>\n

If you’re feeling up to it you can try and imagine what someone may be thinking or feeling. And if you\u2019re ready for Advanced Interpersonal Skills you can even ask them.<\/p>\n

4) Knowing how to cook: helpful.<\/p>\n

I see now that it would have won me points. When I was 21, I said to my flatmate, \u201cI\u2019ve bought a bag of tortellini. How do I boil water?\u201d She told me \u201cMake it bubble.\u201d And, for years, that was all I knew how to do. If I\u2019d had any idea how much men savour a woman who cooks \u2013 even if they\u2019re great cooks themselves \u2013 I would\u2019ve asked for more tips.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

Knowing how to cook more than the author of this article did at 21: essential.<\/p>\n

OK, EVERYONE who is physically and mentally capable of doing so should know how to boil water. Not so men can \u2018savour\u2019 it, but so you have some basic life skills. Jeez.<\/p>\n

5) Your wants and needs are just as important as his.<\/p>\n

And if you don\u2019t express them because you think that doing so will scare him away, then you\u2019re saying you don\u2019t count as much as he does.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

Your wants and needs are just as important as your partner\u2019s (or partners\u2019)<\/p>\n

And if you don\u2019t express them because you think that doing so will scare them away, then you\u2019re saying you don\u2019t count as much as they do.<\/p>\n

(See what I did there? Fun with pronouns!)<\/p>\n

6) We see what we want to see (and ignore the bad signs)<\/p>\n

It\u2019s\u2026 possible to convince yourself that a guy who is acting distant and cold is doing so because he\u2019s overwhelmed by love. But he isn\u2019t; he\u2019s acting distant and cold because he is distant and cold. Wish I\u2019d known that.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

We see what we want to see (and ignore the bad signs)<\/p>\n

True, I think. You can convince yourself of virtually anything if you want it badly enough, or the truth is too painful to admit. In my experience you will go on believing it until something shakes you out of it but that\u2019s not very advice-y. So, um: try and be honest with yourself and get a second opinion from someone you trust. And eat lots of fruit and veg.<\/p>\n

7) Things change once you\u2019re naked.<\/p>\n

This one truly would have changed my life if I\u2019d known it back when I started having sex: sleeping with him doesn\u2019t give you power. It\u2019s not sleeping with him that does. Power to decide how quickly things happen; power to make him want you desperately; power to keep your clothes on if you so choose.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

Have sex when everyone involved is ready.<\/p>\n

\u2026 whether that\u2019s after you\u2019ve been married for 20 years or 30 seconds after you lock eyes across a crowded bus stop. And if you don\u2019t feel you have a say in how quickly things happen, or that you can choose to keep your clothes on, then dear god don\u2019t sleep with this person (unless it\u2019s in that \u2018ooh I fancy you so much I\u2019ve lost control but actually I haven\u2019t really\u2019 way). Those things are up to you anyway, you don\u2019t need to bargain for them.<\/p>\n

8) Being worshipped isn\u2019t all that.<\/p>\n

You\u2019ll go nuts if he\u2019s absolutely devoted. So let him have a boys\u2019 night or throw himself into work.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

Being worshipped can get pretty boring. Unless that\u2019s your thing.<\/p>\n

Once all your insecurities have been soothed by someone who adores your every atom you\u2019ll probably find it gets dull having someone who will never challenge you. Though of course if you\u2019re looking for a slave then hey, have fun.<\/p>\n

9) How much men will talk about marriage.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve heard hypothetical wedding plans from several men I\u2019ve been involved with \u2013 sometimes on the first date! Yet I\u2019ve never been married. Why do guys tease so? Simple: even honest men like to tell you what they think you want to hear\u2026 So don\u2019t indulge in wedding daydreams; it\u2019s not worth the clouded perspective.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

If you want to get married then wait til you find someone you actually want to marry and ask them. If they say yes they probably want to marry you as well. If you can\u2019t find anyone you want to marry that wants to marry you then I would recommend not getting married.<\/p>\n

Got that? Can we stop discussing it now?<\/p>\n

10) Don\u2019t be cynical.<\/p>\n

These days, I try not to roll my eyes at Public Displays of Affection, or join \u2018all men are crap\u2019 conversations. Bitterness is unattractive.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

Be realistic. Don\u2019t be sexist.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t join \u2018all men are crap\u2019 conversations. They\u2019re as stupid as \u2018all women are crap\u2019 conversations and they won\u2019t fix anything. And I wouldn\u2019t worry about faking mindless cheery optimism all the time lest eligible men think you\u2019re a poisonous old hag – turns out plenty of people don\u2019t mind bitterness and in fact it can become a satisfying shared hobby.<\/p>\n

11) Sometimes, guys flirt with you because it makes them feel good about themselves.<\/p>\n

(Hey, we do it too.) This is also the \u2018aha!\u2019 explanation for the men who asked for your number but didn\u2019t call. Idiots.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

Sometimes people flirt because it makes them feel good about themselves.<\/p>\n

In other news: sometimes people don\u2019t mean what they say. If they are wearing a Slytherin scarf or an eye-patch you should be particularly careful.<\/p>\n

12) Don\u2019t compare yourself to your friends.<\/p>\n

Some of them will settle down before you. Mine have been getting married steadily for the past decade. At some point, I started to feel different, and that was a new and uncomfortable feeling for me. Rather than get anxious about it, I\u2019ve tried to remind myself that it\u2019s not a race. Even if you\u2019ve always been first in buying a flat or landing your dream career, you could be the last in marrying.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I say:<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t compare yourself to your friends, or to people on TV, in Tesco or in women\u2019s magazines.<\/p>\n

Because you\u2019re different people, remember? They have this habit of doing different things, at different times and for different reasons. And more importantly, beware of women\u2019s magazine articles that insinuate that marriage is the goal of everyone\u2019s life, and that if there are no nuptial omens in your tea leaves then you should feel anxious. Bullshit.<\/p>\n